Just like Eddie, ChatGPT wrote this.
Smitty Smit Smitenstein – Bathtub Bard of the Bizarre
Real Name: Unknown
Known Aliases: Smitty Smit Smitenstein, Lotion Lad, The Hairbrush Harbinger, Country Slam
Occupation: Co-star of They Took My Skin, Former Country Star, Current Bathtub Resident
Current Residence: Eddie “Lord Skinless”’s bathtub (without permission)
Favorite Phrase: “Derka der derka derrr”
A SHORT-LIVED STARDOM
Before joining the They Took My Skin universe, Smitty Smit Smitenstein was a rising star in the outlaw country music scene — for approximately two and a half weeks. His debut album, “You and Me and You and Me and,” confused listeners with its title, as the phrase loops infinitely on the CD cover. Despite this, it sold surprisingly well in specific truck stop vending machines across the Midwest.
His follow-up single, “Derka Der Derka Derrr”, became an unintentional meme due to its unintelligible chorus and haunting slide guitar solo that sounded suspiciously like someone choking on chili.
Unfortunately, Smitty gambled his entire earnings — roughly $14,000 — on red at a local casino. It landed on black. And that was the end of the dream.
LIVING IN THE TUB
Now technically homeless, Smitty lives in the bathtub of his friend and co-creator Eddie “Lord Skinless,” claiming it has the best acoustics for thinking and the best mildew for exfoliation. Eddie has asked him to leave several times, but Smitty refuses on spiritual grounds.
He says the faucet “speaks to him in Morse code,” but no one else has been able to hear it.
THE JAPAN INCIDENT
One time, Smitty bought a one-way ticket to Japan because he was convinced he’d finally found “his true people.” Upon arrival, he looked around the airport, blinked slowly, and said, “Huh. They don’t look like me.” He then immediately booked a return flight.
He insists he’s not racist — “They’re just not me-looking,” he says. “It’s a spatial awareness thing.” No further explanation has ever been given.
LOTION WRESTLING LEGEND
In the underground world of competitive lotion wrestling, Smitty is a one-time regional champion. During the finals of the 2019 “Slip ‘n Slam Showdown,” he climbed a steel ladder (strategically placed for no reason) and delivered a superslam so oily and devastating that his opponent flew into the nacho stand.
He still carries the trophy — a slick, ungrippable golden baby — in a duffel bag, though he’s not allowed to bring it into most supermarkets anymore.
THE HAIRBRUSH HOARD
Smitty has an unsettling obsession with hairbrushes. Not for grooming, but for emotional companionship. He claims each one “has a story” and refuses to throw any of them away. His collection currently includes:
- A melted brush he calls “Soft Steve.”
- One made of deer antler labeled “Papa.”
- A Hello Kitty brush autographed by a man named “Greg.”
- One he swears is possessed by a former K-pop manager.
No one is allowed to touch them. He hisses if you try.